i finished work today earlier and had, finally, chance to read. John Hedgecoe 'the new manual of photography'. i like this book. in simple way explain basic. 
so had a bit time. and was reading only. 
i was working recently to just collect money for college. that's important. 3 weeks and i will button up first button. after i'm not saying that will be easy but i could manage. have to only stick with a plan. and will be good. :) 
first semester i'm going to focus on learning after new year have to find good photographer to start a practice. :) and keep 25-30hours contract in work :)easy peasy :) 
the funny thing is i am not afraid of or scared. i'm waiting for that :) bring it on :-D 

;) halo :)
it was so long long time when i was writing on this page..
really long time. ok. let's do this.
i was recently on Streets Performers Champion Dublin 2012. probably i said wrong this name but most of people know what i'm talking about. it was deadly!! wonderful!!! amazing!!! i took lots of pictures. you could check http://www.flickr.com/photos/mica1978/

feeling really good :)

i took my cannon 350D with 28-80mm and small bag. and had really good time :) despite that i was tired. i tried to see everything and capture the most interesting things. this dog..i don't why but he was afraid of me. strange.. i am not ...no... i am nice. :)) but it was something ..special and i press the shutter.
i met few interesting people on festival. and ..yes, i had a great time :D

it feels weird...second week where finally, i mean FINALLY, i have a peace. slowly i sorted out my problems, rid of people which are like snakes in the grass. i don't know why but i was stupid over and over again. i had a choice and always i've chosen the worse possibility. why? i was keep asking myself and answer was always the same - because this time could be different...
now, it's like i could finally see clearly without unnecessary emotions which always lead me wrong to be honest. 
i know that i lost hell a lot of time...and won't have back..
today i was talking with a person whose life was fucking in pieces but despite that he managed to shack off this shit and not move on but build entire life again. it took him a while but he did it. now he's ...very good. simple - very good. i wish to be the same. and i know that i will be...just need more time and focus on it. 
how to describe happiness? i don't know...for so many years i learnt how to keep my head above water that i...don't or maybe didn't know how to be happy. i stop to believe in silly fairy tales. they don't happen to me. 
i want to be a person who i am inside. so, come on! come outside....come on!! 
more confidence, knowledge, peace and everything will be fantastic..i know that. he could do that so am i. 

me....

tue May 22


my life's still surprising me..every time practically. 
i know that i am tough cooky and....yeah..hard work. to be honest, i hate this expression. what the fuck does mean 'hard work'?  but ..yes. it's true. 
always when i'm trying to sort it out my private life, everything turns opposite. it's just like  when i'm really trying..everything goes in wrong way...i'm tired to be honest. how many times you will burn yourself?more and more things are telling me that being single is better for me. yeah fine, don't have to compromise with shit things. can be free completely. 
......telling me that i am cold bitch, don't think about others only about myself....doesn't hurt me anymore. it become ..boring. 
more or less i don't believe that i will find 'this guy'( the true love expression is funny for me and don't use it anymore). don't get me wrong ...it's hard sometimes. you could basically feel pain which cause loneliness. i'm closing my eyes and reminding myself for what i suppose to be grateful...
i have a job which is satisfy to some point. can pay bills, life and i'm doing college. i'm keeping myself busy. 
i have stumbles, mistakes but it's fine. it's life. 
........
i am so exciting because i'm going to finally i should say, work on my project which actually i'm dreaming now. 
i found a perfect model (fantastic!!!!). have a studio/room. just have to work on lights. it will be light improvisation :) i didn't own a light equipment (yet) fucking expensive so, have think a bit and bit really clever :) 
can't wait to be honest :) 
everything i wil start to do  first/second week of june. :) very excited :) 
yes, indeed my life's cool :) and i like it even if sometimes i am moaning or i am tired of almost everything. hard work and leaving this crap behind :) that's good :) 
i love Miss Michaela...and i am proud of you :) x

:-) i've chosen and i'm going this way. i'm not setting a business because i don't ant to treat that as a business. for me is huge part of my life.  do you want to know i feel? what do i think? just look at my pictures. 

'keeping my head up...'6


today i took my camera to the city and took few shoots. just for fun. just to feel alive. i love two streets in Dublin. first one, Henry street. close to the most famous statue in the city - spire of dublin. it's busy but not enough. it's more like street with history, with atmosphere of old times. always you could find lots of singers, musicians and unique beggars. unique means - they aren't just sitting on the street. they are really creative in how to beg. and even if you have a last penny...yeah you're giving. for creativity. 
today i saw this guy with a dog which is fine. i saw that. but he had also a bunny. the dog and the bunny. it was hilarious watch them....

after i remind myself that actually i have to do some shopping...and of course i forgot about things which i needed most. typical...

after i went to see my friend and brief in some sea air. i tried to take some shoots but it's started to rain. so basically i was enjoying cup of hot chocolate and talk. talk. and talk. in the end we are both agreed - don't hesitate and let's face the music. in the end all is matter is how much you want this. me - badly!!!

and sometimes is better just zip up....:-) 

i have few new books about photography, so tomorrow :-) home and reading :-) 

'keeping my head up.....5'




one of my friends told me that 'existence can be one of the most painful experiences to occur but there is beauty in it'. and it's true. cannot argue with that. 
sometimes the pain is unbearable that you cannot brief. when you're doing it, you could feel pain which turns you apart. you're not thinking. you're not living. you just simply exist. day by day. minute by minute. usually at that moments...i'm drinking tea..wrapping myself in nice cosy pj's and cuddling my teddy. I know that's really pathetic. but most of the time it works. most of the time...
sometimes doesn't...but i know that in the morning the Sun will shine and could be better. because you don't basically. 
feeling lonely sometimes but you can't predict future and what will happen in the corner...so i've chosen to be surprised and wait and see what will happen....
i cannot force anything.....

'keeping my head up' 4






Trying at least....
Where I should start....


Recently I had this dream. I'm killing someone...I feel so cold after. Usually when I had dream like that something is coming. Sounds creepy but always is like that. God knows, feelings..
I had quite busy week. I'm trying to find job as a photographer assistant but unsuccessfully. Unfortunately. I was really close the last time. But second part of interview was absolutely shit. Choosing 'assistant' job I want to learn more, improve myself. It turns that guy didn't know what's the Lightroom and all his talk shows that he's bloody lier who wants to make money using someone else work. I cannot accept this. I know that at the beginning you have to be...let me say cheesy-flexible (brrr) but that was disgusting!! Always when I have an interview I'm unfortunately failing on 'having experience' part. I was pretty angry after last one.Quoting my friend: 'you have fucked up first to success second'..ok. Will do. second option is just waiting for good moment, learning as much as I can. And looking for good advertise. I'm building portfolios, reading, practicing, learning ..what can I do more? The funny thing is - it's helping me to forget few bad memories which I couldn't erase; building my confidence as a person, photographer; helping me to find my style. I could go like that longer. Despite bitterness, I still have more benefits which is coming from it. So, yes. I will stick with that. 
Sometimes I really wish..bubbling, smily, party animal but i won't lie myself. I am not. I'm doing lately everything automatically. Because I have to. I need to. After, when I am in bed, I just think that I'm loosing. Loosing my life and these tiny bits which are giving spiracle in it. And the funny thing..I don't know what am I doing wrong? How will I fix this? 
Well, like I say, I'm thinking too much..and that's bloody wrong. 
I'm bottling up. Again..shit...

I'm keeping my head up..3..


i love fire. The feeling. The look of it. So calming down. 
well today I had right rough day. But proudly I can say, I manage to take a brief and just go straight ahead. I lost control only for one moment...which i am not happy. But It's fine. I could live with that. 
Just when you're trying bloody hard, things aren't like suppose to go or according to plan. I know that life doesn't go according to a plan. Nothing really you could plan. But I am freak about plans. i have plan A, B, C and emergency D, E. So, yeah. freak :) 
Now, I learnt that patient and hard work it counts. But sometimes I need a bit help. Which is frustrating. But it's ok. shit happen and have to move on. 
I'm looking now good company, photographer where I could do my practice. And It's fucking pain in the ass!! When you're saying 'working for free' they don't understand! 'Free' is scary. :) I'm laughing but be honest...it's sad. When you're looking for internship...you have to prepare yourself for all shit and silly things with that. 
I will say only one...good luck Michaela :) 

'I'm keeping my head up' ..2..


Life's huge mystery. When you think that everything you know and nothing can surprise you. Things are happen. 
When I was a child I used to dream that I am a soldier and I am brave to save millions of lives. After my dream change a bit, I wanted to be a fire-woman. Purpose, the same - save lives. After...I faced situations where I had to save my life. To just be myself. So my dream..instead of saving lives, I've changed for saving..my life. And it is damn hard work. You are fighting sometimes with invisible power which wants you to put down. How to fight? Which weapon should I choose? And how? 
I could say that in 80 per cent I know myself. I could predict what I will do, how I will react. But the most frustrating thing is that when you have the other 20 per cent you are bloody, let be honest, fucked. What will you do? How will you fight? Usually my plan is...stay back, brief deeply, think if it's possible, rationally. But the first two always work. 
Have to admit, discovering new things, almost everyday, about myself is fun. I am not so bad in the end. Sometimes I'm making really silly decisions. Instead using a brain and experience, still think that world and people are 'so fantastic and kind'. I am burning myself, hurting but these experience makes me powerful, rich inside. I could see the world around from different angle and could enjoy, taste deeper then I used to do. And maybe I will feel true happiness. In the end, It is hard work. 

I'm keeping my head up 




The last few days in my life were incredible. Nothing happen in my work or in collage but it is happen in my head. I know that sounds raver mysterious but sometimes we are missing lots of really important things which we think, they are so tiny that they aren't so important. And the funniest thing is, that these things are the precious in our lives. 
So, yes. This recently happen to me. I did understand. 
Sometimes people are saying that I'm not listening, i'm too impatient. I do listen but I have questions, hesitation and just simply I'm asking. Not waiting to the end, which probably I should. 
Sometimes I really annoyed of thinking of me like a silly child who need assistant for the rescue. Sometimes...yes I need. Just to feel that I'm not alone in this world. That somebody will help when I need the most. But sometimes I want to do mistakes just to learn. Knows how, why. 
Simply...I'm keeping my head up. Hope that it will be for ever. 




I'm starting to write small story ' I'm keeping my head up'. Just for myself, to rid of some things which I don't want keep for myself and ...that's will be embarrassing, to improve my written English which recently is shit. So, happy days. See you tomorrow :) 

last few days were strange for me...it started with a dream. it was so vivid, so real. i woke up at night and couldn't sleep again. i was dreaming about him. how pathetic is that.
i feel nothing to him now which i'm glad but still...the pain. it's not like use to be. my grandmother used to say 'time will heel the pain'...it is something in this words...slowly pain is less noticeable. i could live with that maybe like that. sometimes when i closed my eyes, yes, i could see him. close. but the face is getting blurred. every time more and more.
sometimes i'm angry at myself that i allowed him to be so close, so important in my life. i couldn't choose worse to just fall in...nothing in common, different views, wrong opinions about everything....
my grandmother told me when i was little girl, lots of stories about love, the feeling which command you and your life. the feeling which is so powerful that makes you weak, vulnerable...you're starting feel difference when your blood is hot, popping twice faster. your brain actually doesn't exist at this time. especially at the beginning. so, many times i asked myself where...how or maybe what did i do wrong? yes, i know it's ridiculous blaming myself but i am not perfect. actually i am far far away from this word. perfect....who is? i tired forget completely by covering him using someone else....doesn't work this way. you can't lie your brain...feelings.
today when i'm thinking about it....i feel better alone. just book, sleepers, glass of wine or mug of hot tea....and me wrapped cosy on sofa....i feel safe and good.

sometimes different color or angle and the picture is different. more interesting. closer to 'your' picture which you have in your mind.
recently i'm reading a lot about photography and how to do this 'properly'. what exactly all this mean? nothing really because to make perfect picture is to break rules and make something different. unique. something which will stand out from the crowed.
second the most important ingredient is your creativity. sometimes you have to be brave to break not only the rules but also 'break your believes and traditional, general rules of the jungle'. so, you have to be brave, confident and..brave again. tell the story hiding inside. the things which appeared on your pictures there are there for some reason. tell the reason. say why are there.
never give up if someone will tell you 'no' when you want to take pictures. that's fine. it will be another chance even better. always is like that.
so, take your camera and do it. make it.

what you could tell me if you can't see. what you could do if you're not looking at.
life is full of surprises, true but most of surprises we're making ourselves despite trying not to. however you will try, go by the rules never ever truly will surprise yourself. let's be honest. we're making these surprises on our own. and it's effect of our decisions which we're making or not in our life. but still tah dah!!! surprise!!

i don't understand why when you want help someone or share small things with this person, it's a problem. i'm always asking myself - how can i help, what can i give? i was brought like that and cannot change this under one small touch of magical thing or whatever..i always be careful what i'm doing to another person. if hurts or gives pleasure him...but sometimes it's simply turn against me. which i completely don't understand. why? 

i am hesitating and bloody undecided. i'm changing my opinions very fast because i don't know. simply I DON'T KNOW!!! 

i wish to make different decisions but in the end ....it's good lesson. i've met people who i can call truly friends, family. i am not alone. i am stronger, tougher...experienced. i have a base on which i could build my life. from scratches...again. 

i was working today more hours which i suppose to. it's good, i don't complain...but after i don't have time for just simply take a picture for my project...and yeah...after i'm coming home..hungry. have to cook something...i promise myself that in new year i will eat healthy and good food. and more exercises. i'm trying with both. 

i'm not taking so much pictures like i want to. but i'm reading a lot about photography, looking at the others pictures on flicker mostly. i'm learning, being more precise, and that's i love it. always i will discover something new, exiting. 

i'm searching always for new ideas...and always have plenty when i'm thinking too much. thinking...it shouldn't be bad, but usually i'm overreacting. making things worse. i want sometimes hug myself and just say - 'hei, it's gonna be ok. everything'. simple to say but never ever easy to do...

next week i will have a week of blessing holidays and yessssss i will take so much new photos. 

lots of phone calls today. i called to someone and someone called to me. after decisions and more decisions. in the end quick call to my guy...and have just objective opinion. which i actually really need now. if you have lots of options, which is fantastic, you end up confuse and a bit lost.
i am fortunate that i have very good friends who always for me.
the pictures i took in Docklands, Dublin. i was a bit afraid of this place. people said lots of weird stories. but in the end, yes it's only stories made up by people. the place it's nice, lots of people, pirate ship, beautiful bridge. basically wonderful place to capture many wonderful pictures.
also you have few art statues of people in strange positions and even a dog. creative use of imagination which is perfect for creative capture. and even if you will meet group of 'enjoying themselves' people, just be wild-open clever person and everything will be good.
every place has stories and strange people. it depends on you what will happen to you.

couple days ago i spent really lovely time with few of my friends and after alone. just finding this peace in my mind and enjoy it. to the full. as always, at this lovely moment, i have a camera with myself. and taking as many pictures as i could take. that is my perfect relaxing time.
i was meeting up with friends, had really nice hot chocolate and really nice chat with them. i don't usually see often them. you know. work, college, boyfriend, girlfriend. just normal usual stuff. sometimes i'm bit upset for myself, that i can't find more time to just see them for a little bit and just talk about silly things. or they don't have time...but i suppose it's life. when you're grow up, you have a serious job, sometimes with college. and put to them relationship which is taking you from the things which you always do but know...you don't have a time. it's sad.

Michaela Alex Photography: that's my small project which i've done ...

Michaela Alex Photography:









that's my small project which i've done ...: that's my small project which i've done last summer in park really close to my place. small, really nice and...

that's my small project which i've done last summer in park really close to my place. small, really nice and colorful. nice for walking and spending quiet time. 
they also have a pet farm with all ducks, chickens...and all farm animals.