last few days were strange for me...it started with a dream. it was so vivid, so real. i woke up at night and couldn't sleep again. i was dreaming about him. how pathetic is that.
i feel nothing to him now which i'm glad but still...the pain. it's not like use to be. my grandmother used to say 'time will heel the pain'...it is something in this words...slowly pain is less noticeable. i could live with that maybe like that. sometimes when i closed my eyes, yes, i could see him. close. but the face is getting blurred. every time more and more.
sometimes i'm angry at myself that i allowed him to be so close, so important in my life. i couldn't choose worse to just fall in...nothing in common, different views, wrong opinions about everything....
my grandmother told me when i was little girl, lots of stories about love, the feeling which command you and your life. the feeling which is so powerful that makes you weak, vulnerable...you're starting feel difference when your blood is hot, popping twice faster. your brain actually doesn't exist at this time. especially at the beginning. so, many times i asked myself where...how or maybe what did i do wrong? yes, i know it's ridiculous blaming myself but i am not perfect. actually i am far far away from this word. perfect....who is? i tired forget completely by covering him using someone else....doesn't work this way. you can't lie your brain...feelings.
today when i'm thinking about it....i feel better alone. just book, sleepers, glass of wine or mug of hot tea....and me wrapped cosy on sofa....i feel safe and good.