last few days were strange for me...it started with a dream. it was so vivid, so real. i woke up at night and couldn't sleep again. i was dreaming about him. how pathetic is that.
i feel nothing to him now which i'm glad but still...the pain. it's not like use to be. my grandmother used to say 'time will heel the pain'...it is something in this words...slowly pain is less noticeable. i could live with that maybe like that. sometimes when i closed my eyes, yes, i could see him. close. but the face is getting blurred. every time more and more.
sometimes i'm angry at myself that i allowed him to be so close, so important in my life. i couldn't choose worse to just fall in...nothing in common, different views, wrong opinions about everything....
my grandmother told me when i was little girl, lots of stories about love, the feeling which command you and your life. the feeling which is so powerful that makes you weak, vulnerable...you're starting feel difference when your blood is hot, popping twice faster. your brain actually doesn't exist at this time. especially at the beginning. so, many times i asked myself where...how or maybe what did i do wrong? yes, i know it's ridiculous blaming myself but i am not perfect. actually i am far far away from this word. perfect....who is? i tired forget completely by covering him using someone else....doesn't work this way. you can't lie your brain...feelings.
today when i'm thinking about it....i feel better alone. just book, sleepers, glass of wine or mug of hot tea....and me wrapped cosy on sofa....i feel safe and good.

sometimes different color or angle and the picture is different. more interesting. closer to 'your' picture which you have in your mind.
recently i'm reading a lot about photography and how to do this 'properly'. what exactly all this mean? nothing really because to make perfect picture is to break rules and make something different. unique. something which will stand out from the crowed.
second the most important ingredient is your creativity. sometimes you have to be brave to break not only the rules but also 'break your believes and traditional, general rules of the jungle'. so, you have to be brave, confident and..brave again. tell the story hiding inside. the things which appeared on your pictures there are there for some reason. tell the reason. say why are there.
never give up if someone will tell you 'no' when you want to take pictures. that's fine. it will be another chance even better. always is like that.
so, take your camera and do it. make it.

what you could tell me if you can't see. what you could do if you're not looking at.
life is full of surprises, true but most of surprises we're making ourselves despite trying not to. however you will try, go by the rules never ever truly will surprise yourself. let's be honest. we're making these surprises on our own. and it's effect of our decisions which we're making or not in our life. but still tah dah!!! surprise!!

i don't understand why when you want help someone or share small things with this person, it's a problem. i'm always asking myself - how can i help, what can i give? i was brought like that and cannot change this under one small touch of magical thing or whatever..i always be careful what i'm doing to another person. if hurts or gives pleasure him...but sometimes it's simply turn against me. which i completely don't understand. why? 

i am hesitating and bloody undecided. i'm changing my opinions very fast because i don't know. simply I DON'T KNOW!!! 

i wish to make different decisions but in the end ....it's good lesson. i've met people who i can call truly friends, family. i am not alone. i am stronger, tougher...experienced. i have a base on which i could build my life. from scratches...again.