i don't understand why when you want help someone or share small things with this person, it's a problem. i'm always asking myself - how can i help, what can i give? i was brought like that and cannot change this under one small touch of magical thing or whatever..i always be careful what i'm doing to another person. if hurts or gives pleasure him...but sometimes it's simply turn against me. which i completely don't understand. why? 

i am hesitating and bloody undecided. i'm changing my opinions very fast because i don't know. simply I DON'T KNOW!!! 

i wish to make different decisions but in the end ....it's good lesson. i've met people who i can call truly friends, family. i am not alone. i am stronger, tougher...experienced. i have a base on which i could build my life. from scratches...again.