it feels weird...second week where finally, i mean FINALLY, i have a peace. slowly i sorted out my problems, rid of people which are like snakes in the grass. i don't know why but i was stupid over and over again. i had a choice and always i've chosen the worse possibility. why? i was keep asking myself and answer was always the same - because this time could be different...
now, it's like i could finally see clearly without unnecessary emotions which always lead me wrong to be honest. 
i know that i lost hell a lot of time...and won't have back..
today i was talking with a person whose life was fucking in pieces but despite that he managed to shack off this shit and not move on but build entire life again. it took him a while but he did it. now he's ...very good. simple - very good. i wish to be the same. and i know that i will be...just need more time and focus on it. 
how to describe happiness? i don't know...for so many years i learnt how to keep my head above water that i...don't or maybe didn't know how to be happy. i stop to believe in silly fairy tales. they don't happen to me. 
i want to be a person who i am inside. so, come on! come outside....come on!! 
more confidence, knowledge, peace and everything will be fantastic..i know that. he could do that so am i. 

me....

tue May 22


my life's still surprising me..every time practically. 
i know that i am tough cooky and....yeah..hard work. to be honest, i hate this expression. what the fuck does mean 'hard work'?  but ..yes. it's true. 
always when i'm trying to sort it out my private life, everything turns opposite. it's just like  when i'm really trying..everything goes in wrong way...i'm tired to be honest. how many times you will burn yourself?more and more things are telling me that being single is better for me. yeah fine, don't have to compromise with shit things. can be free completely. 
......telling me that i am cold bitch, don't think about others only about myself....doesn't hurt me anymore. it become ..boring. 
more or less i don't believe that i will find 'this guy'( the true love expression is funny for me and don't use it anymore). don't get me wrong ...it's hard sometimes. you could basically feel pain which cause loneliness. i'm closing my eyes and reminding myself for what i suppose to be grateful...
i have a job which is satisfy to some point. can pay bills, life and i'm doing college. i'm keeping myself busy. 
i have stumbles, mistakes but it's fine. it's life. 
........
i am so exciting because i'm going to finally i should say, work on my project which actually i'm dreaming now. 
i found a perfect model (fantastic!!!!). have a studio/room. just have to work on lights. it will be light improvisation :) i didn't own a light equipment (yet) fucking expensive so, have think a bit and bit really clever :) 
can't wait to be honest :) 
everything i wil start to do  first/second week of june. :) very excited :) 
yes, indeed my life's cool :) and i like it even if sometimes i am moaning or i am tired of almost everything. hard work and leaving this crap behind :) that's good :) 
i love Miss Michaela...and i am proud of you :) x