'keeping my head up.....5'




one of my friends told me that 'existence can be one of the most painful experiences to occur but there is beauty in it'. and it's true. cannot argue with that. 
sometimes the pain is unbearable that you cannot brief. when you're doing it, you could feel pain which turns you apart. you're not thinking. you're not living. you just simply exist. day by day. minute by minute. usually at that moments...i'm drinking tea..wrapping myself in nice cosy pj's and cuddling my teddy. I know that's really pathetic. but most of the time it works. most of the time...
sometimes doesn't...but i know that in the morning the Sun will shine and could be better. because you don't basically. 
feeling lonely sometimes but you can't predict future and what will happen in the corner...so i've chosen to be surprised and wait and see what will happen....
i cannot force anything.....

'keeping my head up' 4






Trying at least....
Where I should start....


Recently I had this dream. I'm killing someone...I feel so cold after. Usually when I had dream like that something is coming. Sounds creepy but always is like that. God knows, feelings..
I had quite busy week. I'm trying to find job as a photographer assistant but unsuccessfully. Unfortunately. I was really close the last time. But second part of interview was absolutely shit. Choosing 'assistant' job I want to learn more, improve myself. It turns that guy didn't know what's the Lightroom and all his talk shows that he's bloody lier who wants to make money using someone else work. I cannot accept this. I know that at the beginning you have to be...let me say cheesy-flexible (brrr) but that was disgusting!! Always when I have an interview I'm unfortunately failing on 'having experience' part. I was pretty angry after last one.Quoting my friend: 'you have fucked up first to success second'..ok. Will do. second option is just waiting for good moment, learning as much as I can. And looking for good advertise. I'm building portfolios, reading, practicing, learning ..what can I do more? The funny thing is - it's helping me to forget few bad memories which I couldn't erase; building my confidence as a person, photographer; helping me to find my style. I could go like that longer. Despite bitterness, I still have more benefits which is coming from it. So, yes. I will stick with that. 
Sometimes I really wish..bubbling, smily, party animal but i won't lie myself. I am not. I'm doing lately everything automatically. Because I have to. I need to. After, when I am in bed, I just think that I'm loosing. Loosing my life and these tiny bits which are giving spiracle in it. And the funny thing..I don't know what am I doing wrong? How will I fix this? 
Well, like I say, I'm thinking too much..and that's bloody wrong. 
I'm bottling up. Again..shit...

I'm keeping my head up..3..


i love fire. The feeling. The look of it. So calming down. 
well today I had right rough day. But proudly I can say, I manage to take a brief and just go straight ahead. I lost control only for one moment...which i am not happy. But It's fine. I could live with that. 
Just when you're trying bloody hard, things aren't like suppose to go or according to plan. I know that life doesn't go according to a plan. Nothing really you could plan. But I am freak about plans. i have plan A, B, C and emergency D, E. So, yeah. freak :) 
Now, I learnt that patient and hard work it counts. But sometimes I need a bit help. Which is frustrating. But it's ok. shit happen and have to move on. 
I'm looking now good company, photographer where I could do my practice. And It's fucking pain in the ass!! When you're saying 'working for free' they don't understand! 'Free' is scary. :) I'm laughing but be honest...it's sad. When you're looking for internship...you have to prepare yourself for all shit and silly things with that. 
I will say only one...good luck Michaela :) 

'I'm keeping my head up' ..2..


Life's huge mystery. When you think that everything you know and nothing can surprise you. Things are happen. 
When I was a child I used to dream that I am a soldier and I am brave to save millions of lives. After my dream change a bit, I wanted to be a fire-woman. Purpose, the same - save lives. After...I faced situations where I had to save my life. To just be myself. So my dream..instead of saving lives, I've changed for saving..my life. And it is damn hard work. You are fighting sometimes with invisible power which wants you to put down. How to fight? Which weapon should I choose? And how? 
I could say that in 80 per cent I know myself. I could predict what I will do, how I will react. But the most frustrating thing is that when you have the other 20 per cent you are bloody, let be honest, fucked. What will you do? How will you fight? Usually my plan is...stay back, brief deeply, think if it's possible, rationally. But the first two always work. 
Have to admit, discovering new things, almost everyday, about myself is fun. I am not so bad in the end. Sometimes I'm making really silly decisions. Instead using a brain and experience, still think that world and people are 'so fantastic and kind'. I am burning myself, hurting but these experience makes me powerful, rich inside. I could see the world around from different angle and could enjoy, taste deeper then I used to do. And maybe I will feel true happiness. In the end, It is hard work. 

I'm keeping my head up 




The last few days in my life were incredible. Nothing happen in my work or in collage but it is happen in my head. I know that sounds raver mysterious but sometimes we are missing lots of really important things which we think, they are so tiny that they aren't so important. And the funniest thing is, that these things are the precious in our lives. 
So, yes. This recently happen to me. I did understand. 
Sometimes people are saying that I'm not listening, i'm too impatient. I do listen but I have questions, hesitation and just simply I'm asking. Not waiting to the end, which probably I should. 
Sometimes I really annoyed of thinking of me like a silly child who need assistant for the rescue. Sometimes...yes I need. Just to feel that I'm not alone in this world. That somebody will help when I need the most. But sometimes I want to do mistakes just to learn. Knows how, why. 
Simply...I'm keeping my head up. Hope that it will be for ever. 




I'm starting to write small story ' I'm keeping my head up'. Just for myself, to rid of some things which I don't want keep for myself and ...that's will be embarrassing, to improve my written English which recently is shit. So, happy days. See you tomorrow :)