'I'm keeping my head up' ..2..


Life's huge mystery. When you think that everything you know and nothing can surprise you. Things are happen. 
When I was a child I used to dream that I am a soldier and I am brave to save millions of lives. After my dream change a bit, I wanted to be a fire-woman. Purpose, the same - save lives. After...I faced situations where I had to save my life. To just be myself. So my dream..instead of saving lives, I've changed for saving..my life. And it is damn hard work. You are fighting sometimes with invisible power which wants you to put down. How to fight? Which weapon should I choose? And how? 
I could say that in 80 per cent I know myself. I could predict what I will do, how I will react. But the most frustrating thing is that when you have the other 20 per cent you are bloody, let be honest, fucked. What will you do? How will you fight? Usually my plan is...stay back, brief deeply, think if it's possible, rationally. But the first two always work. 
Have to admit, discovering new things, almost everyday, about myself is fun. I am not so bad in the end. Sometimes I'm making really silly decisions. Instead using a brain and experience, still think that world and people are 'so fantastic and kind'. I am burning myself, hurting but these experience makes me powerful, rich inside. I could see the world around from different angle and could enjoy, taste deeper then I used to do. And maybe I will feel true happiness. In the end, It is hard work.