'keeping my head up' 4






Trying at least....
Where I should start....


Recently I had this dream. I'm killing someone...I feel so cold after. Usually when I had dream like that something is coming. Sounds creepy but always is like that. God knows, feelings..
I had quite busy week. I'm trying to find job as a photographer assistant but unsuccessfully. Unfortunately. I was really close the last time. But second part of interview was absolutely shit. Choosing 'assistant' job I want to learn more, improve myself. It turns that guy didn't know what's the Lightroom and all his talk shows that he's bloody lier who wants to make money using someone else work. I cannot accept this. I know that at the beginning you have to be...let me say cheesy-flexible (brrr) but that was disgusting!! Always when I have an interview I'm unfortunately failing on 'having experience' part. I was pretty angry after last one.Quoting my friend: 'you have fucked up first to success second'..ok. Will do. second option is just waiting for good moment, learning as much as I can. And looking for good advertise. I'm building portfolios, reading, practicing, learning ..what can I do more? The funny thing is - it's helping me to forget few bad memories which I couldn't erase; building my confidence as a person, photographer; helping me to find my style. I could go like that longer. Despite bitterness, I still have more benefits which is coming from it. So, yes. I will stick with that. 
Sometimes I really wish..bubbling, smily, party animal but i won't lie myself. I am not. I'm doing lately everything automatically. Because I have to. I need to. After, when I am in bed, I just think that I'm loosing. Loosing my life and these tiny bits which are giving spiracle in it. And the funny thing..I don't know what am I doing wrong? How will I fix this? 
Well, like I say, I'm thinking too much..and that's bloody wrong. 
I'm bottling up. Again..shit...